I’m from Northampton. It’s near where Weatabix is made. Yeah, I’m sure some of you fell backwards off your chairs you were that impressed. It’s a very popular dish. All of you who eat Weatabix as well you’ll all eat it in a different way, im no fool, I’m from Northampton I know how it goes down. Right but some of you, you’ll cover it in yoghurt and hunny, other people like sugar and raisins, strawberries and cream, basically just get Weatabix and cover it in anything that’s better than Weatabix.
I came back from London the other day, and I came by Kings Cross station. Kings Cross, don’t know if you know now, all of you that go to London, that is the best station to travel from mainly because the toilets are free. I went to Victoria station and its 30p for a wee. 30p, and theres a big sign that says 30p in massive letters and in smaller letters underneath it says per visit. As if there’s been some confusion in the past. Somebody thought it was 30p for a life time membership.
I embarrassed myself quite recently in the toilet. I will explain to you, because you might be wondering why i did what I did. Basically, right I was in the toilets and there was someone in the cubical, and I thought I was in the toilets alone. And I wouldn’t have know there was someone in the cubical had they not been singing. They started just singing along to Whitney Houston I think it was. They were doing all that and I was like why is he singing? And when this other bloke came into the toilets but because when this guy had been doing the singing I hadn’t had anyone to kind of turn to and go *tut*. I turned to this other bloke shaking my head and breathing out quite heavily puffing my cheeks out. But no one was singing anymore. It looked like if I’d just gone to this bloke: well I’m done in there, I wouldn’t use cubical number 3 for a while.
I went up to Bristol, I love it because of the accent. There’s nothing you can be afraid of when someone speaks with a bristolian accent. It was voted the place where people are least afraid of being mugged. That’s not due to a lack of potential muggers it’s because if someone’s coming down you’re side of the street with their hood up and they’re all looking pretty scary. And they come up to you and go “ere mate, give me yur wallet!” You kind of just want to go awwwww. And all you have to do is go calm down, ohh! And 9 times out of 10 they go “that is fair play, that is fair play mate.” A friend of mine moved to Bristol from Oxford and someone tried to give them his iPhone threatening him with a bread knife. Imagine him selecting his knife of choice from his ikea brochure. “look I could use the short one, but I use that for cutting the veg. the long one’s going to way me down, Ahh the bread knife! The king of the stabbers.” But how are you going to convince someone to part with their goods? Go up to them and say “ere mate, give me your iPhone or, actually to be honest I’m gunna have to ask you to lay down, its more of a slicer. The best thing I ever heard was, I was away for a month and had to fly back to Bristol on an aeroplane, and I was just thinking, more than anything, I want to hear a proper Bristolian say something insane. I had to wait 12 yards from the arrivals desk, I came in, I saw these two like school boys like giddy excited school boys just the only way school boys can be. Not in a stabby way, but in a kind of you know when you see a scout looking at a hill and just kind of vibrate with anticipation. “I’m gunna climb up you and down again by George! That is the beauty of a hill.” And you think isn’t that what’s right with the world, and then you see the scout leader and you think hmm. What’s wrong with the world. But these kids, they were doing some kind of sport trip, because they had their like uniforms and their little bags and their bus was parked there and he turned to his friend and went “eer, I hope you’re not lactose intolerant.” I thought that’s a very strange opening line, what sort of holiday are they going on? He said, “I hope you’re not lactose intolerant, cos corfoo is gunna be legendairy!” My heart burst with pride!